Seeking God
I’ve put this off for far too long. Years in fact. I’ve known since I was quite young that writing about my spiritual journey is one of the best ways for me to process the things I’m currently wresting with, and I’ve dabbled with various blog and social media formats through the years. Two things have led to the demise of all previous attempts: 1) fear and 2) fear.
First, fear of being misunderstood. Not that it’s the end of the world for me if there are those who misunderstand what I’m trying to say. There will always be those who do. It’s more that I’m fearful of causing someone else pain or confusion by what I say. If you’re reading this, my hope would be that you will always be willing to reach out to me for clarification or even to share disagreements along the way. My goal is never to cause pain or confusion. My goal is simply to process my journey and, hopefully, grow in my faith and knowledge of God and in my relationship with others.
Second, fear of being permanently labeled by one sentence, one paragraph, or one blog post. I suppose this fear goes back 25 years or more to when I had occasion to have my words and motives picked apart and judged in on-line forums where there were a select few who seemed more interested in tripping me up or trying to discover some secret motive behind my words than sincerely considering the journey I was on. So, let me say here at the outset of this journey that there will be times when I say the wrong thing or even the right thing in the wrong way. There will be times when I will need to back up and reevaluate something I wrote. That’s why I welcome your feedback. Please. Challenge me. Correct me. Help me grow. And as I grow, there will doubtless be times when I realize the need for both small course shifts as well as large course corrections. I ask only that you don’t abandon our journey together during those in-between times after I say one thing and later realize I was wrong and need to make a change.
I love to write. But I also love to process my journey in community with others. So, if you’re asking yourself “why is he writing publicly; wouldn’t a private journal work just as well?” The answer I’ve found is no, a private journal just doesn’t help me in the same way that writing publicly does. I don’t know all the reasons for this. I suspect that I just need interaction and feedback from other people who can help me think more deeply and carefully about things than I would on my own. Whatever the reason, I’m grateful that you’ve chosen to join me on this journey.
As we begin, I want to make you a promise and ask one from you in exchange. I promise to always remain a sincere seeker after God and truth. I will make mistakes. I will be flat-out wrong at times. So, I’d like to ask you to promise that you won’t give up on me or abandon our journey together when I do. We won’t always agree. Trust me. I sometimes say some crazy and outrageous things. There will be times when you feel like wringing my neck (and perhaps times I feel like wringing yours) but I believe if we hang in there together, we’ll both grown and become better people in God’s vast universe.
My journey with God began more years ago than I like to ponder. It has been a journey where I often feel there are more questions than answers, more doubts than faith, more steps backward than forward, and marked by more fearful timidity than relaxed courage. My journey has included some very dark and painful years but also some very joyful and happy years. There have been times along the way where I just gave up and walked away for a time (or at least tried to). But those times have been short-lived. I’m always drawn back to the beauty of the Creator, the universe in which He has placed me, and the challenges in His Word that cause me to pause and consider the meaning behind it all.
For me, the journey has been worthwhile even on my darkest days (though I often failed to see it in the darkness of those moments) because the journey Giver always draws me back to His love, His grace, and His embrace. In those too-fleeting moments when I’m alone with God and have found the mercy to tune out all the chaotic noise of the world around me, I feel His embrace in a way that words can’t adequately describe. And, so I journey still. Toward God and toward that day when His mercy finally engulfs me in that embrace which will never be broken.